“All stupid people should be made to wear signs proclaiming their stupidity.”

1. Gard ‘06

Mugabe was last seen searching for the Wizard of Oz…

It would seem that the egotistically, megalomaniacal leader of Zimbabwe has had a change of mind over land rights and who should farm the land. Wait a minute, doesn’t one have to have a brain to have a change of mind and a heart to have a change of heart, neither of which Robert Mugabe seems equipped with.

After seizing not only the land not all that long ago, but also the infrastructure including the machinery with which to tool the land, and the crops of about 4000 white farmers, and giving control to the lazy indigenous of that country, Bob has now done a U-turn and wants to lease back the farms and the land to their previous owners.

Excuse me, but I don’t see the incentive for a former owner of a farm to lease what was he already owns so he can feed the people that took away his livelihood in the first place.

Does Bob Mugabe really expect these evicted white farmers that have moved on to better pastures (pardon the pun) to return from the U.K., Australia (the real Oz and Bob, you aren’t welcome here!), New Zealand and South Africa to scurry back to Zimbabwe’s impoverished land where hoards of hungry Zimbabwean peasants await?

I don’t think so!

Speaking of brainless leaders…

George W has reversed his position (he’d better let Laura know) and called Congressional Republicans into his oval office to provide (yet another) closed door briefing on the NSA’s domestic surveillance (spy) program.

Hold on there one minute partner, wasn’t that surveillance program supposed to target people like me that make phone calls and send emails to relatives and friends inside America from outside America? I’m getting confused.

Anyway, fancy George W entrusting Senators and Congressmen/women with top secret crypto information about his brainless activities. Many a politician has been brought down by trusting someone else with highly classified information.

George, we’re making your sign as we speak!

And speaking of lost civilizations…

What about the two fishermen that went fishing, got drunk, fell asleep in their boat and drifted too close to an island and woke up dead with several arrows protruding from different areas of their bodies?

Yes, in this day and age, there are still pre-Neolithic tribes in the world, including the Sentinelese, with a population of somewhere between 50 to 200 tribesmen and tribeswomen, that inhabit a tiny speck of a desert island somewhere in the Indian Ocean. This mere speck of a tsunami ravaged island is located in the Andaman and Nicobar Islands archipelago (you’ll need a good map for this one.).

After killing the two fishermen the aboriginals that live on the island put the bodies in a shallow grave, instead of feasting on them, as feared by the Indian authorities who control the area. When an Indian Navy helicopter flew over the island to investigate and search for the bodies of the 48 and 52 year old fishermen’s remains, the inhabitants immediately fired off a volley of arrows, one lucky shot penetrating the cabin of the aircraft, nearly penetrating the surprised the pilot.

The Indian authorities, responsible for the area where the islands are located are now at a dilemma, how to recover the bodies.

One thought is to trick the natives to the other end of the three-mile island and sneak ashore at the other end. I would caution them to be really, really careful. Just because the inhabitants are of a stone-age mentality doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t have smarts.

As long as the authorities remember we are the survivors of a long ancestry of great hunters that have survived over the millenniums.

Thar’s gold in them thar hills…

See where the Taliban are offering more than 100 kilograms of gold as a reward to anyone who kills the person (or persons) responsible for the “blasphemous” cartoons published in Danish papers.

Mullah Dadullah, chief military commander of the Taliban also said his organisation would give 5 kilograms (let’s see…there is 2.2 lbs to a kilo…16 oz. to a lb…equals approx…186 ounces @ approx. $450.00 a troy ounce…wow, that’s a lot of money!) to anyone who murders those Danish bastards.

Now my brain hurts!

Jana and Tamsyn, still at it…

The other day when I wrote about the “bitch-fight” between two of Australia’s hopefuls of the forthcoming Commonwealth Games and Olympics, I had no idea things could get so catty. Here is the alleged transcript of an email conversation between Jana and rival Tamsyn:

Jana, I am sorry about those things I said the other day on Triple M. I realise that you are desperately out of shape. I guess that's when one athlete beats another - when the other one is out of shape. But isn't the point of being an athlete to be IN shape? Especially during the Commonwealth trials? Oh well, I'm rambling, so I'll let you go (off to the gym I hope!) Lotsa love, Tamsyn.

Tamsyn, Thanks for your charming note. When I defeated Cathy Freeman in 2003 it was tempting to go on air and crow about it, especially as Cathy was the best in the world and considered unbeatable. Have you ever beaten Cathy Freeman? Anyway, must go - to my physio session. I DID blow out my knee, remember (and made an inspiring recovery in time for Athens). Best, Jana.

Jana, Interesting. I just spoke to your physio and she happened to mention that you had no appointment yesterday. Perhaps you meant a DIFFERENT physio to the one you've been working with since your "accident." Oh well, wouldn't have been the first time you left a professional acquaintance high and dry. Or perhaps you "went to see your physio" just as much as you did "have an accident" with your "knee". Must get to the track. Ta, Tamsyn.

Tamsyn, Your allusion to my break with Coach Hilliard after the LAST Commonwealth Games shows that you still have your head in the PAST, but that's natural, I suppose, as at 27 you obviously are terrified of the END which must be pretty damn NIGH. Anyway, it's sweet. Jana.

Jana, Bringing up my age is interesting. Here I am, winning the national title at the Commonwealth trials at 27, while you're OVER THE HILL at 23. You say you ran the "worst race of your life" the other day. Pity that at 23 you have exhausted your competitive athletic life. Meanwhile, I am at the PEAK of my form, and look forward to at least three more years of beating your arse. Tam.

Tam (Or should that be Tonya?), You know very well I don't have time to read, between my physio, my training and my inspirational work as an inspiration to those unfortunates who require inspiration. And anyway, even if I did read, I would be reading the autobiography of Cathy Freeman, whom I beat in 2003 when she was considered the fastest runner in the world, J.

J, (Or should that be OJ?), I HAVE read Cathy's autobiography and she is frank about her struggles with motivation surrounding the race which you beat her in and is obviously the highlight of your life. At that stage she was NOT the fastest in the world but was putting her toe back in the water after semi-retirement! Her toe has inspired more people than you or your "knee" ever will. T.

T, I am so hurt. Why is everyone so mean to me? You've made me cry (at a hospital in front of sick children.) You'll read about it tomorrow. And see it on A CURRENT AFFAIR. J.

Boy oh boy, one is hoping that when these to lovelies get together they rip off each other clothes. At least for us blokes that would make the whole scenario a lot more interesting.

Another man that qualifies for a sign…

Yes, Tony Alleyne, aged in his early 50’s (one would have thought he would have known better) has filed for protection from his creditors under the U.S. Bankruptcy Act after throwing away $71,000 U.S. dollars converting his perfectly sound dwelling into a replica of the USS Enterprise. This mad trekky has maxed out 14 different credit cards and flown through two large personal loans and a mortgage to recreate his $392,000 U.S. dollar home complete with transporter room (doesn’t actually work), the command console, blue panel lighting and port holes so Captain Kirk and Spock can look out to see where they are.

Talk about a man with his head in the clouds crashing back down to earth in his Starship, headfirst.

Tony, heed some good advice from someone who knows, make a big sign with very large letters before you go to court, and wear it!

Mad Mel bowled over…

Director and actor extraordinaire, Mel Gibson not only bought one of the largest islands in the Fiji chain but has decided to outfit it with a 10 pin bowling alley. Of course there is plenty of room for a bowling alley, no matter how many lanes Mel decides on as the island is 2190 hectares and is located about 240 kilometres to the east of the capital of Suva on the Island of Nadi. This little piece of paradise only cost Mel a cool $15 U.S. million, no price too much to pay for a man who likes his privacy.

Can’t get that in Hollywood!

Just down the hall in yet another padded cell…

Remember John Wayne Bobbitt, the fella that had his pecker cut off by his first wife Lorena, who, after pleading insanity and being found innocent by reason there of, has once again found himself in the tabloids, once again, accused by his third wife, of domestic violence.

This man is a self-confessed idiot, having worked as a bartender, a tow-truck driver, a handyman in a brothel and as a porn star after having his penis reattached surgically. Amazing the man could still get it up after having it lopped off by a jealous wife!

John Wayne Bobbitt admitted before a Las Vegas Municipal court Judge that he has “always had a problem with judgement, particularly when it comes to women.”

You think!

And for my birthday all I want is my subscription to…

I consider getting myself naked for a shower an accomplishment; imagine convincing two of Hollywood’s glamour’s to not only get their gear off but to pose and share their beautiful bodies with the rest of the world. (If you are a Muslim, don’t look!)

Film starlet’s Scarlett Johansson (and what a great rack this girl has) and Keira Knightley, have unveiled their goodies for all to see in the Hollywood issue of Vanity Fair.

The other good news is that Angelina Jolie is also seen in this special issue posing nude in a bathtub. The magazine also features other celebs with their clothes on…but who cares!

Chicken Soup…

This is not a recipe but a story of a chicken sting.

It would seem the owners/operators of a New Zealand butcher shop in the North Island City of Palmerston North weren’t able to identify a chicken thief from the pictures of a security camera mounted in the butcher shop.

Yes, this does bring to question, why a security camera in a butcher shop? Then again this is a story involving Kiwi’s. (Need lots of signs there!!!)

Anyway, the butchers were so offended and angry about the chicken thief that got away they decided to come up with a sting to try and lure the thief back to their premises, so they came up with the idea of “This Weeks Lucky Shopper” and posted the thief’s picture in the shop window. Lo and behold, Amy Adams showed up to claim her prize. What did she win? First of all she won a conviction for chicken rustling (theft) and then was ordered to pay restitution of $40 NZ dollars for the chickens she stole.

More legal matters that obviously don’t matter…

A Sydney, Australia barrister has been found guilty of professional misconduct after using 215 aliases, including Shagwell and Mickey Mouse to purchase 86,000 shares in the Telstra 2 float and making a $28,000 Aust. Dollar profit.

Being a smart legal-eagle, Marcel Shade found a loop-hole that allowed him to use fictitious first names.

Now wouldn’t you think someone at the broker’s office would have picked up on this! Hey Stupid, where’s your sign?

And finally…

I do believe that is enough for the day. I don’t think I could tolerate one more stupid story about a stupid person. If you are stupid, and I am not saying you are, but if, make a sign and wear it. The world would be a much safer place if all the stupid people would declare themselves.